Spotlight Saturday: Vital Friends

I had mentioned a book called “Vital Friends” back in November that I had seen a review on and shortly afterwards my brother and sister-in-law got it for Joe for Christmas.  So this weekend I sat down and read it…and I am ready to buy a copy for all my friends now!

The premise behind the book is pretty simple.  First of all, almost all of our lives is dedicated to the improvement of self.  Very little is ever done to improve our one-on-one relationships with others.  Usually the only one-on-one relationship anyone ever thinks much about is the marriage relationship.  So Tom Rath, the author who works for Gallup, wanted to look more into the impact friendships make in people’s lives.

The results were not too surprising: the people with best friends are those who are happiest and most successful.  Rath goes on to define a “vital friend” though because the word “Friend” has totally lost its meaning in our culture (ie. people on Facebook are called “friends” which really bugs me to be honest because there is no way I have over 400 friends!)  So he gives two ways to define what a vital friend is:

1. someone who measurably improves your life

2. a person at work or in your personal life whom you can afford to live without
– If this person were no longer around, would your overall satisfaction with life decrease?
– If this person were no longer a part of your life, would your achievement your engagement at work decrease

Then he goes on to define the 8 vital role a vital friend may fill. These 8 vital roles are:
1. Builder
“Builders are great motivators, always pushing you toward the finish line. They continually invest in your development and genuinely want you to succeed — even if it means they have to go out on a limb for you” (87).

2. Champion
“Champions stand up for you and what you believe in. They are the friends who sing your praises. Every day, this makes a difference in your life. Not only do they praise you in your presence, but a Champion also ‘has your back’ — and will stand up for you when you’re not around” (93).

3. Collaborator
“A collaborator is a friend with similar interests — the basis for many great friendships. … When you talk with a collaborator, you’re on familiar ground … you often find that you have similar ambitions in work and life” (99).

4. Companion
“A companion is always there for you, whatever the circumstance. You share a bond that is virtually unbreakable. When something big happens in your life, this is one of the first people you call” (105).

5. Connector
“A connector is a bridge builder. …. Connectors get to know you — and then introduce you to others” (111). Connectors are always inviting you to lunch and other gatherings where you can meet new people, and point you in the right direction when you need something.

6. Energizer
“Energizers are your ‘fun friends’ who always give you a boost. You have more positive moments when you are with these friends. Energizers are quick to pick you up when you’re down — and can make a good day great” (117).

7. Mind Opener
‘Mind Openers are the friends who expand your horizons and encourage you to embrace new ideas, opportunities, cultures, and people. They challenge you to think in innovative ways and help you create positive change. Mind Openers know how to ask good questions, and this makes you more receptive to ideas” (123).

8. Navigator
“Navigators are the friends who give you advice and keep you headed in the right direction. You go to them when you need guidance, and they talk through the pros and cons with you until you find an answer. In a difficult situation, you need a Navigator by your side. They help you see a positive future while keeping things grounded in reality” (129).

The more roles that are filled by your vital friends, the more complete and satisfied you will feel. Rath also explains that to different people a person may fulfill a different role. So to one person you may be a builder and to another you are a navigator. He has a lot of great tips on how to perform that role better in your friends lives, how to create those roles in your own life and how to strengthen those who hold the roles in your life.

One really great point I thought that was made in the book was something he called “rounding up”. This is where you try and get one person in your life to fill all 8 vital roles for you. Often people do this in their marriages. In trying to make their spouses be everything for them, the marriages suffer and people are left feeling less fulfilled.

So I used the book to first of all identify who my vital friends are in my life.  After I had the list, I then went on to identify which roles each of my friends filled in my life.  Next I hope to write out for each of them the specifics of how they are blessing my life, thank them for it and buy them a book so they can do it for themselves as well.  I definitely see a tendency in myself to be too independent and this book brought more to light how much I want to be surrounded by good friends and be a good friend.