What is it Like to be a Basket Wife?
ByMy title is a pretty loaded question. Like wives of so many other high-profile, lifestyle jobs (ie. music stars, movie stars, politicians, military personal, doctors, etc.) being in a sports marriage is complicated. Recently I came across a professor who has done numerous studies and continues to research the lives of wives of professional athletes. It was a breath of fresh air to realize someone has realized that we live a life that is unique and complicated. So although this whole blog is dedicated to sharing what my life as a professional athlete’s life is like, I thought I would use one of his studies to do a more in-depth series on my life as a basket wife: my struggles, fears, coping mechanisms, etc.
First of all, I want to dispel some myths that surround wives of professional athletes.
1. We are not all groupies. Although I realize some women became wives of their athlete husbands by semi-stalking them, most of did not meet our husbands that way. We are not in search of the limelight or the money. Our relationships often started in much of the same way that any relationship started. And in my case, I was actually turned off by the role of being a girlfriend/wife to a professional athlete. A few months into dating Joe, I was ready to call it quits. I did not enjoy the part of our relationship that was dominated by him being so well known. Going out on a date while we were at Penn State was trying. All we wanted to do was to have a few moments together, but were interrupted constantly. You were always making small talk with people you didn’t know and saying the same things over and over again. People felt they had a right to the person you were closest with at any time and place. Thankfully Joe didn’t let me walk away from all of that, but encouraged me to see what God may be wanting to change me in the midst of those struggles.
2. Our lives do not just consist of traveling the world and spending our husbands’ money. This life is not just a joy ride. It has great positives, like seeing different parts of the world, experiencing different cultures and meeting new people. But those things come with a whole set of stresses. The constant moving, learning of new languages, figuring out how to cook in a different country and culture, figuring out how to get around a town and get the basic life necessities, are all just little things you deal with every day. We aren’t just along to be arm candy. We go through the ups and downs and every day struggles our husbands go through along with them. Many women work along with their husband and aren’t simply laying around on the couch all day.
3. Our lives are not as exciting as they may seem. Again, these is excitement, but I think one emotion that tends to definite professional athlete’s wives more than any other is that of loneliness. You will often hear women describe their life as feeling like they live on an island, are isolated from the rest of the world, or are just simply on their own. Many things have improved this over the years in regards to more technology and groups specifically designed to unite wives of athletes and/or coaches.
We’re just regular people, struggling through the calling God has placed on our lives, as everyone does. But there are unique differences that have made us worth studying, so I will look at these in the upcoming posts.
5 Comments
April 2nd, 2009 at 9:27 pm
Yo are opening a can of worms! I thought you sat around eating bon-bons all day.
April 2nd, 2009 at 9:38 pm
P.S. I’d love to read some of this professors writings as well. I promise not to steal your topics.
1. I also was not a groupie. Kevin and I both walked away for periods during the first few years. We could not go anywhere or do anything without him being approached. We ended up making it in to a game– how many times will someone whisper, interrupt our dinner, etc. The change of heart made the situation less challenging.
2. Seriously. You don’t eat bon-bons all day?
Even my in-laws thought all I did was shop. I had to do a double take when his father visited and said as much. Never mind that I had cleaned, cooked each meal from scratch, and offered to show him around the area. The smallest of accomplishments brought the greatest of joy– mailing letters, finding a product I thought I’d have to do without. It kept every day life exciting in its own way.
3. Lonely… I definitely had some of those times. I still do. It is hard to find people that relate, and even with technology, I sometimes feel like no one understands. Staying behind has actually made that worse rather than better.
April 4th, 2009 at 8:28 am
Thanks Erin for this post!
1. Oh my goodness! I would love to have my in-laws and other read this post. I have been accused of being a groupie and “looking for money” which blows my mind because Monwell and I were friends before we actually started dating and he was so broke. I wasn’t even attracted nor interested in dating him for a while and I totally didn’t care that he didn’t have much money.
I was also a “star” athlete at the school Monwell and I both attended. If anyone was going to play professionally, we both thought it would be me. I actually was traveling overseas for volleyball competitions during the summers before my collegiate career was over. I also had planned to become a professional volleyball player when I finished. I did have the opportunity to play professionally and I quit. I was in Indonesia, Monwell in Holland, and our son (1 yr old at the time) in Oklahoma with my parents. I REFUSED to live that way. It wasn’t fair to my son not to have either parent and I didn’t want our family to not be together for 8-9 months out of the year. I miss volleyball so much and wonder sometimes how well I would have done as a professional athlete, but my family comes first and I don’t regret my decision at all.
2. We have some friends and family that think we go on “vacation” for 8-9 months out of the year. Vacation is definitely not the word I would use for the type of life we live. I definitely don’t do a lot of shopping while overseas except for grocery shopping, lol. My husband and son eat A LOT!
3. I agree on the feeling of lonliness. When Monwell started playing overseas, I stayed behind for the first two seasons and have traveled with him for the last two. In both situations, I would feel a sense of lonliness, but it seems worse when I have to stay behind. Now, I will be staying behind again because our son needs professional help. We believe he has some form of autism and want him to receive as much help as possible before he starts school. He has made great progress by the things we have done for him on our own while overseas. On the other hand, my husband and I feels it’s best that my son and I stay home so our son has access to professionals that can help him. I am kind of sad about staying behind, but we have to do what is best for our son. God has helped us overcome many obstacles and I know He will continue to help us as long as we have faith in Him!
April 4th, 2009 at 9:57 am
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November 18th, 2009 at 8:48 am
Erin,
Great post! I totally agree with everything you said. I think most basketwives are anything but the above mentioned. Now things are probably different, but when Gerrit and I were in school we knew very little about the professional basketball world overseas. It never crossed our minds until Gerrit’s senior year. Now, I hear that guys go into college thinking about playing overseas and making money, so maybe there are more “groupies” now because of that. (That might be an interesting post actually; to talk about all these high school and college guys whose dream it is to play overseas).
The one thing that I find irritating though is that people can only see the good in our lives. That sounds strange but people really think we have the easiest life. I must admit that it is easy in a number of ways, but there are many hardships that you touched on. Loneliness, adjusting constantly to new things, and missing important events. It’s really killing me this year specifically because I have a new nephew who I am missing every day. We also missed two of our best friend’s weddings this fall. We do sacrifice a lot to be here and it’s not that easy. I truly believe that most women could not handle this lifestyle.
I could go on for days but I guess I’ll stop there
Thanks for your great posts!