Wives of Professional Athletes, Part Seven

I mentioned in part four that I would come back to two topics: marital unfaithfulness and mother-in-laws. So today we will hit upon the subject of marital unfaithfulness: its role in the lives of wives of professional athletes and how we deal with it in our marriage.

Two more resources by Dr. Ortiz for this topic are an article from About.com Mental Health section and a radio transcript that fellow basket wife Maria found (great find, Maria!)  Here is what Dr. Ortiz had to say about infidelity in the radio transcript:

Maria Tickle: One of the behaviours which of course does become normalised in the hyper-masculine world that you’re talking about, is infidelity.

Steven Ortiz: Yes. Groupie is a male term given to women who are ardent female fans, perhaps over-zealous female fans, and as over-zealous female fans, pursue many of these men, for many different reasons. And the wives know this, the wives know that there is a kind of female competition, the wives versus many other women, groupies included. But as far as infidelity, I think what is uppermost on the minds of the wives is the fear, or the possibility that he might. Not only because of the presence of these particular women as fans, but also because of team loyalty, acquiescing or deferring to team pressure, peer pressure, to legitimise what the other players are doing who are married, and if they are engaging in extramarital relationships, it legitimises that if the other players go along with it, or condone it, or don’t challenge it. Because if you do, ‘You’re not one of us’, and if you’re not one of us, then you’re against us. So if you’re not with us, then you’re against us. And that could jeopardise his position on the team. So this player, especially if he’s a rookie, he’s going to go along with this. And that’s one of the elements of looking at team sports versus the individual sports like tennis and golf, because you have this peer group pressure factor, and male bonding activities and male interaction which reinforces the objectification of women.

This is another one of those areas where I am just going to share how this area affects our family and the ways we deal with it.

First of all, it is good to understand that I have a husband who does not fit into the mold that Dr. Ortiz lays out in the above section.  When Joe was a rookie, his first job was with the Los Angeles Lakers.  During preseason the team was on a bus somewhere and one of the veteran players was speaking of extra marital affairs.  Joe turned around looked him right in the eye and told him that wasn’t the best way.  Now we were only engaged at the time, so the player thought Joe just didn’t get it yet.  But Joe stood his ground and said he knew what the Bible said and that faithfulness to your wife would be the best thing this world had to offer.  And Joe and this player ended up with a good relationship after that.  So not all rookies have to give in to what veteran players do.

Joe and I are also coming from the mindset that divorce is not an option.  In looking at what the Bible says, we don’t feel that there is grounds for divorce.  We made a covenant commitment that said “until death do us part”.  We didn’t put a clause in there during our wedding, so we don’t put one in during our marriage.  Since this is our conviction, we are operating from a mindset that wants to safeguard our marriage.  So here are some ways we do that (I had Joe help me come up with this list):

1. We pray for our marriage every day.  Our marriage is second priority after our relationship with God and so we work to give it that priority of attention in prayer as well.

2. We have discussed how much sex we both need to be satisfied and work to make sure the other is always satisfied.  This many change in different seasons of life, so we are always communicating on it.

3. Both Joe and I are in accountability groups with godly people of the same sex who ask us the hard questions.  We confess sin, ask for prayer and repent with others weekly.  I know if there is any issue in Joe’s life that we are not able to work through, there is a group of men who I can get I contact with that will speak truth into his life (and vice versa for me).

4. We do not spend one-on-one time with any members of the opposite sex.  Joe does not have “close girl friends” and I do not have close “guy friends” (except my brother).  We both just feel that is a recipe for disaster.

So there are some things we do to guard against adultery.  It is a reality and one that most people do not want to think about.  But the reason we think about it is we know neither one of us is beyond it.  We are all sinners and the Bible is very clear that those who think they stand need to take heed lest they fall (1 Corinthians 10:12).  Plus we know there are temptations all around us, especially for Joe in his line of work.  Locker rooms have posters that can make him lust, teammates have discussions that he needs to be on guard against and movies are played on the bus that can be unedifying.

And for me, the mind is where I need to be on guard.  If I am constantly focusing on how hard this life is and how everything revolves around Joe and of the many stresses we have hit upon in this series, that will lead to bitterness towards Joe.  And bitterness is one step away from discontentment with my husband and thinking the grass may be greener on another pasture.

Adultery is real and deadly.  This life of a professional athlete’s wife just brings that to light more and once again gives the opportunity to bring to center stage sin that every married person needs to deal with.