Wives of Professional Athletes, Part Four

Let me just say that each section has SO much to comment on and there is often repeated things that I could pull out and highlight.  I am going to try to just hit upon some of the things that strike me and that I have not commented on before.  So I do not see this as a full commentary of the article by any means, and one that is simply me relating to the things that are talked about in the article.  Let’s continue on in the article to the next section.

Contributing to dependency: Social isolation/absence of support
1. Furthermore, as enablers, these wives must not only cope with several sources of stress that are peculiar to a career in professional sports, but also with such sources of stress as the demands of being the primary parent, role conflict experienced in managing multiple roles (i.e., marital roles, family roles, public roles), celebrity status of their husbands (e.g., self/identity issues in a hypermasculine occupational world), possibility of their husbands’ involvement in extramarital relationships (Ortiz, 1997, 2001b), and various power struggles with their husbands and controlling mothers-in-law (Ortiz, 1998).

I am going to hit upon two big stresses in the sport marriage (marital unfaithfulness and mother-in-laws) in later posts, so for now, I am going to pass over those areas.

The public part of our husbands’ jobs is certainly a stress. Not only are we performing various roles at home, but we also have a public role to perform as well. Not only are our husbands recognized in public, but whether we like it or not, we are public figures as well. This is especially true when living abroad and standing out like a sore thumb. It is a daily battle for me not to succumb tot he fear of man and be so preoccupied with the image I am putting forth in public. Although I want to represent my husband well, I often use that as an excuse to be preoccupied with my own vanity, or even that of my children. When I am more concerned with what people at the game think about me than I am about what God or my husband does, I am being trapped in the fear of man. When I care more that my children behave in public settings, than I do about teaching them behind closed doors and loving them through the stages of life, I am succumbing to the fear of man. As I mentioned before, it is a battle to live for an audience of One: God. Not only do I need to derive my worth from Him in not thriving under my husband’s approval, but I need to also guard against living for the approval of the public.

On the flip side, I also have to guard against being jealous of attention he may get in public, while I am haphazardly pushed aside. I have been pushed, shoved and basically run over for people to get close to Joe. I could get mad and react back, but what good would this do? I have to remember that these people only see Joe as a basketball player. They forget he is a husband, father, and friend. And too often I am guilty of the same thing towards him, but in the reverse. I can forget that he has a high pressure job when he walks out of the door. So instead of being sensitive to that, I see him as a husband/father when he walks through the door and greet him with a list of things I need him to do. We all miss looking at people as whole human beings. When I am struggling with someone, usually all it takes to gain perspective is to step back and look at them as a person with multiple facets and struggles in their lives.

2. Constant moving disrupts family households, makes it difficult for displaced wives to form friendships in the city where the husbands’ teams are located, and separates them from close friends or family members. Many wives have difficulty establishing lasting friendships with the other wives on their husband’s team, and they often avoid trying because they are not sure how long their husbands will remain on the team. Many also have difficulty forming friendships outside of the wives on their teams (Ortiz, 2001a).

As a sisterhood, other players’ wives could be an important source of social or emotional support, but despite the appearance of solidarity there are many barriers to developing trusting relationships with them. Not being able to trust or confide in someone often means she has to suppress her emotions and work to present a calm front (Goffman, 1967), particularly in public roles or public situations, as she tries to cope with stressful occupational events.

I had mentioned in a previous post that friendships are both wonderful and difficult as the wife of a professional athlete.  Some other good reasons are mentioned as to why it can be difficult to develop friendships, especially with other basket wives.  I have struggled with developing relationships with other women who are girlfriends or wives of Joe’s teammates for several reasons.  For one, I do get lazy with pouring into the relationships that I know will probably be gone within 9 months.  It is definitely my own sin and on that needs to be overcome.  I want to become someone who appreciates the relationships God has placed around me and pours my energy into them without thought of them dissolving in a few short months.

I have also struggled with other women because of the nature of the job and the way Joe plays.  Number one, it is a competitive job and it is always tough to be friends with the woman who is involved with the back-up point guard.  There is a definite competitive nature in some women that makes even small talk at a game uncomfortable.  Joe is also somewhat of a dominate player.  This is tough because he is the point guard, and most other players don’t like that.  I know he takes his job very seriously and is in constant communication with the coach and management about what they expect of him and he is doing what they want him to do, but again it can be hard not to feel resentment from other women who feel like their husband should get more touches on the ball.  It is not fun that this comes with the job, but often it does. Although he mentioned it also being a struggle to form friendships with wives outside of the team, i think it is often easier to be friends with wives whose husbands are on different teams.  Sometimes it seems like the competition between men who play against one another is less than with men who play with one another.

And then there is the whole idea of wanting to put forth an image of having it all together, especially in times of struggle.  I have thought a lot about the way that we as professional athletes wives have a hard time showing any struggle or weakness.  It is like a silent code of conduct that tells us we must have it all together and keep any emotion buried deep inside.  To struggle or show weakness would be a sign of failure.  All the while, others are struggling just as we are and we are all living on our own separate islands.

3. However, despite normalizing her isolation, and despite her relative independence, a wife’s dependency can become more difficult to manage when she is separated from her husband (i.e., usually when he is absent from family life); for example, when he is at spring training or training camp, or traveling during the season. Consequently, when stressful occupational events emerge, her isolation becomes even more intensified, her dependency often increases, and her control work becomes more pronounced. Therefore, over a period of time, she may feel trapped in her home.

As the wives often told me, “You have to learn to go with the flow.”  Failure to do this, or failure to learn this from the unwritten book of rules for wives, may result in a failed marriage. This implies that a wife must be strong, resilient, and adaptive. Wives are provided with numerous opportunities to cope with the stress induced by occupational fluctuations, and to rely on their control work to cope with such stress. This is particularly challenging for wives because, as typical occupational/marital stressors, the diversity and frequency of stressful occupational events require a multidimensional process: stress, coping, control, and adjustment.

The phrase” trapped in your home” is one I think many wives of professional athletes feel whether they travel with their husbands or not.  Because of the large amount of management that is on our shoulders, there are seasons (like the one I am in right now) when time out by yourself is a luxury rarely seen.  Daily management in various areas can tend ot take up your whole day, especially when your husband is traveling or if you stayed back home.  When job stresses come along (injury, poor play, team losing, etc.) it is easy to just lose yourself in the management of the home, which usually makes things even worse.  to get out of the house and gain a persepctive beyond your 4 walls is therapuetic for all invovled.  Even at seasons of life like we are in where times out for me are rare, I can still get beyond my 4 walls in praying for others, being informed about what is going on in the rest of the world and keeping in touch with those back home.  For us, just taking little day trips uring the seaso and getting out of whatever city we are living in from time to time is a great relief too.

Part five is up next.