Wives of Professional Athletes, Part Six

I am going to try and wrap up the main points in the article by Dr. Ortiz today.  A lot of it I have already hit on, so I will just pull some quotes and make a couple of comments.  I want to finish up the series then with a look at two specific topics in the next few days: marital unfaithfulness and mother-in-laws.

Setbacks
Setbacks in professional sports may include injuries (i.e., severe or chronic), getting cut from the team, getting traded from one team to another (particularly if the new team is not a winner), and early (or forced) retirement.

For wives, the stress induced by setbacks in the careers of their husbands involves a wide range of emotions such as anxiety, envy, jealousy, rage, and sorrow; and manifestations of stress such as tension, disorientation, confusion, depression, and lack of sleep. In coping with stress or feelings of fear, anger, powerlessness, or vulnerability, a wife will rely on less productive strategies such as denial (e.g., blocking out, distancing, distracting, or avoiding)–because if she does not deny it she feels powerless to do anything about it–emotion work, and control work. More effective strategies often include her low or guarded expectations (i.e., not getting her hopes up), optimism (i.e., thinking things will turn out for the best or that it is temporary, or having faith in God), emotion work, and control work.

There are setbacks in this life.  We have also seen there are many things that are out of our control.  As Dr. Ortiz noted, there are different things you can do to cope with these.  Although you cannot choose what happens in your husband’s career, he notes that you can choose your reaction.  Obviously, if you have been reading my blog long enough, you know what my choice is going to be with what he mentioned above: have faith in God.  There are so many good promises in the Bible that tell us that those who love God can have confidence that all that comes across our path is for our good and to make us trust in Him more.  In the times of struggle in this life, it can be hard to believe it.  So I have to fight for faith in a number of ways: reading the Bible, praying, memorizing Scripture, reading books that point me to hoping in God, listening to sermons and music that points me to the promises of God.  You can’t wait until the time of stress comes to do these things.  It has to be a way of life, so that when the storms come, you are built upon the Rock (Luke 6:48).

Occupational insecurity
Occupational insecurity is the result of the recurring occupational changes in a career in professional sports, and its unpredictable nature in general.

Thus, lacking any control, a wife’s need to be in control is intensified. To cope with a world torn apart by events that are clearly beyond her control, she will often compensate by becoming more controlling, and her control work is a reflection of this coping process.

This is again just highlighting another way that this life shows us we are out of control.  There are many things in the life of a professional athlete that show us this.  But the reality is that everyone’s life is out of their control.  So instead of looking at this life as a stress when I see my lack of control, I try and see what a blessing it is that I am able to live as I really am: dependent on God.  Too often it is easy to get comfortable in our little routine’s with our house, job, family, etc.  But this life does not allow you to depend on those things.  This is why many become dependent upon their husband or his career, but even those are shakable.  Only God is the unshakable One we can lean upon.

The last to know: Coping with a life-changing event

For me, this section didn’t really pertain.  In reading it, the majority of the examples were drawn from baseball, where there are more mid-season trades that happen.  When any big things are happening with us (ie. signing a contract, being released) Joe and I usually talk about it first. Plus my husband doesn’t make the national news too often so that I would learn about it there before I find out from him:)

Control and dependency in the coping process
If she can learn “realistic” control work, she may be able to decide when to take responsibility in the coping process, and when to let go of her need to affect outcomes. She can determine what is and what is not realistic. This type of control process reflects a wife’s ability to realistically define the boundaries of her control work as it relates to self, marriage, and family. The opposite of this is “intrusive” control work. This type of control process reflects a wife’s inability to define the boundaries of her control work as it relates to self, marriage, and family. These types of control work are not only coping processes, but also negotiation processes for the wife in her definitions of stressful occupational events.

By learning to rely exclusively on the controller role in the marriage, the wife may learn to rely on less effective coping strategies. More productive coping strategies could be realized, learned, and included in her repertoire of coping styles if she could avoid relying on the controller role. Therefore, to cope more effectively with stressful occupational events, wives should be less dependent and controlling. Failure to do this, and failure to take advantage of intervention strategies, may result in severe consequences for the wife and limit marital success.

Again, Dr. Ortiz is emphasizing that there are harmful and helpful ways to deal with stress and cope in this life.  When we step back and take a look at our lives, which are we choosing?  It is a question for every single person in every moment of their day.  When something comes across your path, how do you choose to cope with it?  Is it in a way that is constructive to you and those around you?

This life of a professional athlete’s wife is complex.  On one side it really does have a lot of unique qualities to it that makes it stressful and difficult to live.  But on the other hand, so are many things in life.  We are unique, yet not an exception.  Our lives can be worked through, enjoyed and appreciated just like everyone else’s.  I hope a look at this article has been beneficial to identify some common causes of stress in your own lives and help you look at ways to deal with them.  May we all look to be understanding of the unique place God has called each of us in our walk of life.